My Dear French Landlord,
As a property owner you want to keep it looking nice, you’re not a slumlord. When Ryan and I arrived at our Montpellier studio everything seemed, as the French say, “propre.” Besides being a little cluttered by your tacky knickknacks, everything was in order and seemed clean, that is until I went to change the sheets. I was already a little creeped out by the fact that I was sleeping on sheets that weren’t mine, but I thought, “He must have washed them after the last guests, just like a hotel.” I continued to tell myself this until my allergies got so bad that I just had to tear everything apart and clean, clean, clean. To my dismay, my dearest landlord, I discovered stains that are probably older than me all over the mattress. Brown stains, yellow stains…blood stains? Sigh, most of the stains are of unknown origin and were not only on the mattress, but all over the pillows. Did they run out of tampons in the 90s?
May I ask what made you think that it was ok to leave what must be 20 year old pillows on the bed? Didn’t you ever think of buying a new mattress for your guests? You must make enough on renting out this studio to reinvest in it with a sanitary mattress. Alas, now, for the next six months we have to sleep on the skuzzy thing you provided because we can’t just go and buy a new mattress. Might be kinda hard to haul it home on our bicycles, ya know.
Luckily, we’ve procured some new sheets and the ones that you originally left for us were washed. Or should I say scorched in 90C degree water, or as I know it, 194F degrees of steaming cleanliness. I always knew there was a reason why I felt like I needed a shower every time I sat on my bed. I also should have known that you weren’t one to put a high price on cleanliness based on the stench of your dog. That’s another thing, you should really think about washing her. I feel like I live next door to a slaughterhouse.
Back to the mattress though, I think it’s only polite for you to provide a new one for your next guests. Hopefully I won’t get the plague from sleeping on this thing, but I can only be hopeful. Do you not want to throw it out just because it’s a memory foam mattress? I know, it cost an arm and a leg and NASA uses the technology, so that’s really cool. But come on, mattresses only last for about 10 years and the fact that their once light beige color has turned into a fecal shade of brown should be enough reason for you to do something about it. Haven’t you heard about all the cases of bed bugs lately? Or does this somehow not concern you? I don’t think that Ryan and I have caught anything from your mattress, yet. And after looking at the stains again, I do thank my lucky stars. Be less of a cliche and give a shit will you? The whole French ‘je m’en fous’ attitude should not extend to the most important thing in the bedroom. You are a dirty, dirty man and need to clean up your act.
Sincerely,
Crystal
Crystal can be reached at crystal@styleflavors.com.
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